Samples for the Profane Lexicon: A Dictionary for the Linguistically Liberated

The next time I am the Language Evaluator, we may have a different type of Word of the Day.  The following is my contribution to The Profane Lexicon: A Dictionary for the Linguistically Liberated.  This is compiled for those who find the Oxford English Dictionary insufficiently honest about the human condition.  I am committed to expanding your vocabulary, the first step toward accurately describing your life.

Bitchcraft (n.)

The dark art of passive aggression, weaponised eyerolling, and strategically timed silence.  Practitioners require no cauldron — only a group chat and unresolved grievances.  Not to be confused with witchcraft, which at least has the decency to be straightforward about its intentions.

Clitastrophe (n.)

Any situation so spectacularly mishandled that it could only have been caused by someone who has never found a clitoris, and believes it to be a myth.  Commonly observed in boardrooms, government policy, and first dates.

Clusterfuck (n.)

A bureaucratic masterpiece.  The natural endpoint of any project involving committees, insufficient budget, and too many people with opinions.  Recognised by its three defining features: nobody is in charge, everyone is to blame, and the deadline was yesterday.

Craptacular (adj.)

Achieving a level of mediocrity so consistently, it is almost impressive.  Reserved for performances, presentations, and airline meals that somehow manage to disappoint even after expectations have been set at zero.

Crapulence (n.)

The studied display of wealth, influence, or taste by someone who has absolutely none of the above.  Closely related to opulence, except the marble is vinyl, the watch is duty-free, and the accent is borrowed.

Dickopotamus (n.)

A large, territorial individual who occupies disproportionate space — physically, conversationally, or professionally — and becomes aggressive when anyone attempts to enter their domain.  Flourishes in open-plan offices and family WhatsApp groups.

Dicksplash (n.)

The minor but deeply irritating consequence of someone else’s poor judgement landing directly on you.  You were standing nearby, minding your own business, and now you are involved.  See also: colleague, relative, any idiot who cc-ed you unnecessarily.

Fantesticle (adj.)

Describing an outcome so unexpectedly excellent that one suspects either cheating or divine intervention.  Used sparingly, because the universe tends to course-correct swiftly after anything this good happens.

Pisswizard (n.)

One who possesses an uncanny ability to conjure problems from nothing, transform simple situations into emergencies, and disappear entirely when the consequences arrive.  Found in senior management and on project steering committees.  Also, found in many a Toastmaster project.

Shitgibbon (n.)

An individual of notable agility in avoiding responsibility, swinging effortlessly from one excuse to the next while producing a trail of disorder.  Highly vocal, rarely useful, and surprisingly difficult to remove from any organisation.  Their natural habitat is the unnecessary meeting.

Thundercunt (n.)

Not merely unpleasant — magnificently, operatically unpleasant.  The “thunder” is essential: this is not petty or incidental antagonism.  This is someone who has committed to the role with their whole chest and a complete absence of self-awareness.

Vagician (n.)

One who makes things disappear — deadlines, budgets, accountability, your will to continue — through means that remain technically inexplicable.  The vagician leaves no evidence, accepts no credit, and is somehow always on annual leave when the audit begins.