Some Corporate-Speak for Beginners

One of problems we face in large organisations or companies, is that sometimes, we need to deal with bad leaders, incompetent management, or annoying colleagues.  There is an art to telling someone to fuck off in way that looks professional and detached.  Corporate-speak is an eloquence all of its own.  The conversations we have in our head, and the words that come out of our mouths need to be different, although they mean the same thing.

 

Do not say, “That is your fucking problem, not mine.”

Say, “I understand this falls under your job responsibility.”

 

Do not say, “You are a fucking liar.”

Say, “I recall that quite differently.”

 

Do not say, “I told you so, fuckwit.”

Say, “As per my prediction, this outcome does not surprise me.”

 

Do not say, “God!  You are so fucking stupid.”

Say, “Let me explain this more simply.”

 

Do not say, “Who asked your dumbass what you think?”

Say, “Can you clarify your authority on this project?”

 

Do not say, “Well, fuck around and find out.”

Say, “Do whatever you feel necessary, and I will address it accordingly.”

 

Do not say, “Bitch, do you think I have nothing else better to do?”

Say, “These tasks are an expansion of my role here.  Is there a plan to review my compensation for this?”

 

Do not say, “That is a terrible fucking idea!”

Say, “Are we confident this is our decision, or are we exploring alternatives?”

 

Do not say, “I personally do not give a fuck.  That is your problem.”

Say, “I will follow your decision on the matter.  I am agnostic on the options.”

 

Do not say, “Screw that shit up and find out!”

Say, “Please test that assumption, and take note of the outcome.”

 

Do not say, “You are not my boss.  Shut the fuck up, and mind your own business.”

Say, “While I appreciate the input, I am only taking direction from [Name] on this project.”

 

Do not say, “Fuck you!”

Say, “Noted.  I believe we are done here.”

 

Do not say, “I do not give a fuck what you think, and I am not interested in your opinion.”

Say, “Your opinion is noted, and I will give it the attention it deserves.”

 

Do not say, “Get the fuck off back, and let me do my work.”

Say, “"I am confident in my ability here.  I will update you if I have any further questions.”

 

Do not say, “How is that my fucking problem?”

Say, “I will direct you to person best suited to address the issue.”

 

Do not say, “We are wasting our time, wanking each other’s dicks because no one has a fucking clue what to do.”

Say, “This meeting is becoming unproductive.  We should consider consulting other stakeholders.”

 

Do not say, “You are so fucking annoying!”

Say, “Unfortunately, I find some of your actions distracting.”

 

Do not say, “Do you think I am a fucking liar, like you?”

Say, “I encourage you to reconsider your attempts to challenge the information I am giving you.”

 

Do not say, “I fucking told you so, dumbass.”

Say, “The outcome is consistent with my prediction.”

 

Do not say, “Who the fuck died and made you boss?”

Say, “While I recognise the importance of your perspective, I also recognise that you do not have the authority to dictate a decision.”

 

Do not say, “Mind your own fucking business?”

Say, “While I appreciate your concern, I am confident I can address this independently.”

 

Do not say, “Get a fucking life, asshole!”

Say, “I encourage you to focus on your own priorities and personal interests.”

 

Do not say, “Watch what you say, before I tear you a new asshole.”

Say, “I would appreciate it if you choose your words carefully.”

 

Do not say, “You are a fucking narcissist!”

Say, “It seems you have a strong inclination to prioritise your own needs over others.”

 

Do not say, “What makes you think you are so fucking important?”

Say, “I understand you have a strong belief in your significance in this matter.  However, we need to consider other stakeholders.”

 

Do not say, “I really, really do not like you?”

Say, “It is clear we do not have a personal affinity for each other.  However, it is important for us to maintain a professional relationship.”

 

Do not say, “That is not my fucking job.”

Say, “I do not have the capacity to take this on at the moment.  I am happy to support where it makes sense.”

 

Do not say, “Just because you were lazy, does not make it my fucking problem to meet your deadline.”

Say, “I am happy to prioritise this in the coming days when I am available.”

 

Do not say, “Why the fuck do you keep promising unrealistic timelines?”

Say, “Kindly clarify your thinking on these timelines.”

 

Do not say, “If you want it done your way, then fucking do it yourself!”

Do not say, “It is clear you have a very specific idea of how you want this executed.  You take the lead on this matter, and I will be glad to support when necessary.”

 

Do not say, “I am not interested in getting involved in your dumbass idea.”

Say, “Please go ahead, and I will gladly support you as necessary.”

 

Do not say, “Stop bothering me about this, you impatient prick.  I have no reply yet.”

Say, “I have no new information to offer. but as soon as I do, I will be sure to loop you in.”

 

Do not say, “How many fucking times do I need to tell you how to do this?”

Say, “There seems to be a disconnect here because I have already provided this information.”

 

Do not say, “I am not doing your job, you incompetent fuck.”

Say, “"I am not able to offer you additional support at the moment.”

 

Do not say, “Stop wasting my time with stupid meetings, you incompetent fuck.”

Say, “In order to be respectful of everyone’s time, I suggest we regroup when additional information is available.”

 

Do not say, “I am not paid enough for this shit.”

Say, “There is a gross discrepancy in my remuneration against the work, as compared to the market.  When do we plan to re-evaluate this?”

 

Do not say, “If you had told me sooner, this shit might not have happened.”

Say, “Had we communicated on these issues earlier, I might have been able to mitigate this.”

 

Do not say, “That is not my fucking problem.”

Say, “You should direct your queries to those better suited to answer them, since this falls within their job responsibilities.”

 

Do not say, “Stop stealing credit for my work.”

Say, “While I am excited that my ideas are exposed to a wider audience, how you intend to credit me?”

 

Do not say, “You fucked up royally.”

Say, “Thank you for providing us with an education on this matter.”

 

Do not say, “I have no fucking idea what you are talking about.  How is that relevant to this subject, you fucking imbecile?”

Say, “I appreciate the input.”

 

Do not say, “That is the stupidest idea in the history of stupid ideas.  I am not going to do that, you fuckwit.”

Say, “Thank you for your input.  I will take that into consideration.”

 

Do not say, “Why the fuck do I need that information?  That is not what I asked for, you fucking imbecile.”

Say, “Noted with thanks.”

 

Do not say, “I have no interest in what you have to say.  You are wasted sperm.”

Say, “Noted with thanks.”

 

Do not say, “Where was this information when I needed it last week?  Were you fucking drunk when you created this?”

Say, “Noted with thanks.”

 

Do not say, “None of this information dump is useful.  Where the fuck is the actual information I need, you half-arsed donkey-fucker!”

Say, “Much appreciated.”