The Etiquette of Sexual Intercourse

The following is my humorous take on how to have sex, as extracted from various sources, including years of personal misadventure.  I would credit this, if I can find the original source for some of these points.  This is from a male perspective.  This is especially useful in an age where too many young men get their sex education from watching pornography. 

Not Kissing Her First

You should start by lightly kissing her.  On the lips.  Do not be one of those men who go straight to the fun zones, and slurp at it like a toothless cannibal.  You are not paying by the hour for a ride at the adult carnival.  You are trying to make her feel special.  A proper, passionate kiss, should be the start of great foreplay. 

Blowing Too Hard in Her Ear

Men who watch romantic comedies, or had talks with their female best friend, probably heard that some girls love it when you blow in her ear.  Not all women are the same.  Regardless, there is a difference between blowing lightly into her ear, and re-enacting the jet stream of a hawk dive-bombing a rabbit.  You do not want to be that guy who reminded her that Hurricane Katrina came in her ear, saliva and all. 

Unwrapping Her

She wants to feel sexy and wanted.  Get her out of those clothes like you are unwrapping an expensive present.  Do not leave her hanging with her head stuck in her top, while her hand is trapped in the sleeves, or something like that.  You are not tearing the wrapping of your food delivery. 

The Clothes Trap

For many men, items of women’s clothing can be tricky.  They may be difficult to remove while engaging in foreplay.  There are clasps, ties, and zippers.  Instead of trying to manoeuvre that obstacle course, ask her to help you take it off.  She will not be happy if you tear it, and it turns out to be expensive. 

Do Not Undress Prematurely

This is not a race.  Let her make the first move, undo a few buttons, or move for the zipper before helping her with your clothes.  It looks awkward when you are in your birthday suit, and she is still all dressed up, especially on the first date.  It is a turn-off when you have shared a kiss or two, and you whip out your baton, or worse still, throw everything off. 

Undressing in the Right Order

Get your clothes off from the top first.  It looks sexy.  A man with short and socks, with nothing in between, hardly looks appealing. 

Squeezing Her Breast

It is fine to squeeze her breast.  It is not okay to role-play a housewife testing melons at the supermarket.  Stroke them, caress them, perhaps fondle them.  Do not massage them like a demented baker playing with dough. 

Biting He Nipples

Flick your tongue across her nipples.  Gently suck on them.  Some girls may like it when you bite them.  Most of them do not.  Nipples are very, very sensitive.  They are not chew toys.  They are not balloons you deflate by biting the nipples. 

Twisting Her Nipples

By all means, play with the nipples.  Do not fiddle with them like you are trying to find reception on your radio from the fallout shelter, looking for other survivors.  Focus on the whole breast, not just the nipples. 

Giving Her Love Bites

Exerting gentle suction on the face is erotic.  Trying to suck her blood through the skin like a demented leech is not.  She does not want to look like she has major allergies and ticks. 

Not Shaving

Either have proper facial hair, or be clean-shaven.  A stubble is the worst thing for a woman.  At some stage, it is like having a toilet brush strapped to your chin.  When you go down on you, she is not moving her head side to side out of ecstasy.  She is in pain, and you are exfoliating her clitoris and labia. 

Ignoring the Rest of the Body

A woman’s body is not just a playground with fours rides: the breast, the ass, and the tunnel down under.  Before you go bombing down Vaginaville, spend time discovering her other erogenous zones, such as the neck, the back of the knee, the inner thighs, and the small of the back. 

The Sensual Massage

You need to caress her body in a sensual, relaxing manner.  You want her in the mood.  That means light tickles with your fingers and your lips, not elbow strikes and kneeing her in the groin.  You are not kneading dough, or tenderising your lamb shank. 

Foreplay Wedgie

Stroke her sensuously through her panties.  That is sexy.  Sawing her between the thighs with her own panties is not.  It is painful. 

Attacking the Clitoris

The clitoris is not an “on” button for a living sex doll.  It is a very sensitive part of the woman’s anatomy.  No direct pressure, and no flicking it.  Gently rotate your fingers alongside it.

Fixating on the Vagina

Most men can find the clitoris without a map, but the vagina is not the boundary of foreplay.  Sliding your fingers into the vagina is not the same as stuffing a turkey for Thanksgiving.  Massage and play with the clitoris and labia, and then move in.  Sometimes, it takes time to lubricate enough for you to slide anything in. 

Performing Oral Sex Too Gently

When you start, it is better to be gentle.  It is seductive and sensual.  But you are not trying to fix a broken watch with your tongue.  You keep that up, and she feels nothing.  Get down there, and put in a shift.  Flick your tongue across the clitoris, push it in, and lick like your sex life depends on it – it does. 

Pushing Her Head to Your Crotch

When she has not made the move, pushing her eyeball to penis will not automatically result in mouth to penis action.  You are not getting that blowjob.  Sex is reciprocation.  You need to go down on her before she does, unless you are a couple engaged in regular sex.  Sex is not you dragging her by her hair to your cave. 

Thrusting During a Blowjob

Never, ever thrust.   Never grab her hair, and try and move her head around, while thrusting.  Getting a penis into the mouth is hard work for her. 

Playing with Her Anus

Men can be easily anally stimulated because they have a prostate gland.  Women do not have one. 

Giving Instructions

This is not the Olympics, and sex is not a contact sport.  You are not a coach barking instructions through a megaphone, or a judge criticising her on form. 

Going Too Hard

Do not wantonly bash your hipbones against her thighs.  It is painful.  You want her to climax, not rupture a cervix.  Sex should be enjoyable.  It should not feel like riding a plank edgewise on a rollercoaster. 

Going Too Fast

When thrusting, there should be a certain rhythm.  You are not digging a new tunnel through the mountains with an industrial tool.  You are not a machine on an assembly line screwing in bolts on a car chassis.  Start slowly, with clean straight movements, and then build it up to a regular rhythm.  The worst thing that can happen is that you might fracture your penis. 

Taking a Break

When it comes to orgasms, women are different from men.  Whether it is intercourse itself, or cunnilingus, the moment you stop or slow down, they go right back to zero, and you have to start all over again.  If she is not there, or if you are not sure, keep at it, numb jaw, muscle cramps and all. 

Making Her Ride Too Long

Having her on top is fine.  Some women even prefer it.  Do not just lie there, grunting a death metal song, while she is playing rodeo.  Move your hands, caress her sides, play with her breasts, look at her.  She wants to feel loved, not feel like the boatswain on a row boat caught in a squall.  Remember to change positions, and let her rest. 

Squashing Her

Men are often bigger and weight more than women.  If you lie on her heavily, she will have problems breathing.  That tends to be a turn-off. 

Attempting to Enter Her Anus & Pretending You Made a Mistake

If you want to go there, ask permission.  If you have permission, test it with a finger first.  You do not attempt to slide a penis in there, and think she will believe you took a wrong turn at the perineum junction.  No woman is stupid enough.  If she is drunk enough, the pain will make her sober. 

Talking Dirty

Some women like it, and some do not.  Not a lot of women want to listen to phone sex line while getting on with it.  Sometimes, even if they may like it, they may not like it when it comes from you.  Practice your bed talk. 

Slapping Stomachs Together

This is about as sexy as a burping contest.  Do not do it. 

Behaving Like You were in a Pornographic Movie

Women do not love it when you take it out, and then ejaculate all over her.  It is messy, and many women think it is disgusting. 

Arranging Her in Stupid Poses

Women are not interested in trying out every single pose in the Kama Sutra.  They are not doing advanced bed yoga.  You cannot have sex if she snapped a hamstring, or twisted a knee. 

Coming Too Soon

Unless you see her eyes roll back like she is possessed, and she is grinding her teeth, and breathing like a rabid wolf on a hunt, hold it back as long as possible.  If you do come early, you better have a backup plan to get in there, and plug at it until she orgasms. 

Taking Too Long to Climax

If you can keep humping her for hours, that is not the sign of a sex god.  There is probably a numb vagina beneath it all.  There are no prices for keeping at it too long, and no world record worth keeping.  If you are going to play marathon man, have nice patterns on your ceiling to entertain her.  The moment she climaxes enough, you let go, and move on to pillow talk, or snoring away. 

Asking if She Came

Never, ever, ever do that.  It destroys the mood, and you probably have to start all over again.  Women change when they are about to come.  They make noises, they breathe raggedly, they start grabbing things.  You will know. 

Climaxing into Her Mouth without Warning

Sperm does not have a nice taste.  That taste varies according to our diet, but it is generally like seawater mixed with stale yoghurt and egg white.  Warm her before you ejaculate, and let her make the choice. 

Make Sure She Climaxes

You have one job – make sure she climaxes.  Get this right, and you will be repaid in turn.  Mess this up, and there is not only not going to be a next time, but all her friends might know. 

Thanking Her

No woman wants to be thanked for sex.  It makes her feel cheap.  She is not doing charity, she is not running the Salvation Army for the horny.